Our Russian Adoption Adventure

Ten years ago today, we touched down in St. Petersburg, Russia. Two days later, we became parents of two wonderful children, Hannah and Samuel. Most parents have stories of both the exhilaration and mind-numbing fear they experienced when they assumed responsibility for another human life (in our case, two lives).

Do you remember your first night with a newborn? Is he still breathing? Is she warm enough? Our first night with children took place on the midnight train from St. Petersburg to Moscow:

Igor, our driver, flung both bags and children into the van and whisked us off to the train station. Our tiny compartment felt like a sauna, thanks to an overzealous heater. Inside were two lower bunks with pull down upper-berths. The tiny aisle allowed only enough room for our luggage and Joyce. While straddling the two beds, John lifted Hannah onto the bunk by the window. Uncertain where to put Samuel and trapped by suitcases on her feet, Joyce stood frozen in the middle of our quarters.

As John stacked luggage to clear a place to stand, he noticed storage boxes underneath the bottom bunks. We could prop open the bed, throw blankets inside and presto-we had a crib! We tucked Hannah into the other lower bunk. She dozed off only after her excitement over the train trip succumbed to exhaustion. Samuel was ready for another bottle and a diaper change, which proved to be a challenge in the tight quarters. We finally tucked him back into his luggage box where he probably got the best night sleep of all of us.

We climbed into our top bunks, too hot to sleep. We snuck glimpses of the Russian countryside-farmhouse after farmhouse covered in snow, and then drifted off.

Chimes sounded, the hall lights brightened and a woman barked an offer of coffee or tea through our compartment door. “We’re almost there so we better get moving,” John said.

As soon as the train stopped, we heard a frantic knock on the door. John opened the door and began, “Hi, I’m John and . . .”

“We must hurry, the train won’t wait for you to unload,” said Larisa, our Moscow contact. Not wanting to explore more Russian countryside, we hurled everything into a container of some sort, grabbed the kids, and dashed off the train.

Check back next week for the rest of the story….

Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are related to each other but are not the same. Guilt is objective; it is the state in which you find yourself when you have violated a law, moral code or personal value. You experience painful feelings of regret associated with your behavior. You feel guilty because you are guilty. This guilt motivates you to change. Shame is subjective; it is a feeling of humiliation based on the belief that you are defective or inadequate as a person. You feel despair because you believe that you are fundamentally flawed and cannot change.

Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good (John Bradshaw, 1988).

Feelings of shame are often generated from toxic messages you receive from others when you fail to meet their expectations. “You are so incompetent!” “You are so selfish and ungrateful!” “You’ll never get it right!” Messages like these leave no room for amends and tend to reinforce inferiority, self-doubt, helplessness and hopelessness.

Feelings of guilt are generally healthy messages you receive from yourself when you have violated your conscience. “I have done wrong but I can change, make amends, correct a mistake, receive forgiveness, and be restored.” Messages like these reinforce hope and optimism.

Are you willing to become the person God designed you to be even if you incur disappointment from some? Is there someone with whom you need to reconcile and/or make restitution?